swipingdiaries

I tripped and fell into some feelings…

Posted on September 18, 2015 by Pretty Penny

So not all of my dates with Match.com were bad. Almost a year ago, I ended up finding someone who I really liked, and who seemed normal! I thought to myself, “wow, this could really go somewhere”. We went on a few dates and got to know each other more. I liked that he was kind, genuine and balanced my crazy self out a little bit. By month 2 we were in dating bliss. Texting a lot and seeing each other several times a week. It was a passionate start to something I felt in my heart was real. A little after month 3, I felt something wasn’t right. You know when you get that gut feeling in your stomach. Maybe he said something a little out of the ordinary, or just wasn’t as tuned in as he was before. So naturally, I questioned it. It was late afternoon one Spring day when I sent the text:

Me: Are things ok? You’ve seemed a little distant.

Him: Yea, I’m good. Just have some things on my mind.

Me: Oh really, like what?

Him: I don’t want to say this through a text, we should probably talk face to face.

Me: What is it?

Him: Nothing bad, let’s just meet up when you get a chance.

Me: Ok, I’ll head over after work.

I pull up to his house and he gets in my car. We sit in awkward silence for a little bit. He had this bashful look on his face. As if he did something wrong and doesn’t want to come clean. He goes right in and begins to explain that he likes spending time with me and enjoys my company, but doesn’t know what he wants. He’s confused and needs some time, but still wants us to keep seeing each other. And right one cue, it started to rain. Small, steady drops that ended up melting together and converting the windshield into a cozy blanket of water. The same thing was happening in my eyes, as I tried so hard not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. The more he kept trying to explain himself, the more he distanced himself from me and it hurt. I told him that it wasn’t fair to drag me along while he tried to sort things out. So he could have some space and figure things out. A couple of weeks went by and we remained in communication.

Things started to get somewhat back to the way they were before, but something was still missing. There was an obvious tension between us and for a month I felt like I was walking on egg shells. While we slowly started to adjust to the new norm, we started moving into new phases of our lives. He got a new apartment, I bought a new house and moving into a new position at work. A few months later we were watching our favorite basketball team lose a critical game in the second round of playoffs. Both upset, we started dissecting the game, the plays and what could have been done better to come home with a win. Little did I realize that conversation would open Pandora’s box of emotions.

I casually commented that I wished we could share our feelings like we discuss the Rockets. He quickly says, “ok you first”. Shocked and a little happy that he openly wants to talk about how we felt for one another. So I started in and told him how I felt. How much fun I would have with him, how great I thought he was and how I wanted to eventually introduce him to my family as my boyfriend. You see, by this time we had been seeing each other for 6 months. We were working out together 3 times a week and having date nights about twice a week as well. However, we never had “the talk” about being exclusive, nor did he ever present me as his girlfriend. It’s not like I imagined a relationship in my head. We were seeing each other, and often.

He proceeds to tell me how he thinks I’m a great person, but he doesn’t want anything serious and that I deserve to be with someone who does. Of course, being the emotional person that I am, I cried. I felt used. We met on a dating website and the reason we kept seeing each other, was because we wanted the same things. Heck, when we first met he said he wanted to be married in a little over a year. I brought all this up to him, not to convince him otherwise, but to try and understand where he was coming from. His answer, “when I get lonely, I subscribe to dating sites”. W-O-W.

I knew right then and there, that I had to leave. I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew what kind of love I have to offer and he obviously doesn’t want it, so ADIOS! Leaving the apartment in tears of course. Come on, I had fallen for the guy and was heartbroken! But you know what the funny thing was? In the middle of my drive home, I couldn’t cry anymore and I felt like a weight was lifted. (That only lasted for a day, I cried more in the weeks following)

I resigned to the fact that I was single again. I was spending more time with my friends again and enjoying doing things on my own. However, my friend’s great advice is that the only way to get over someone, is to get under someone else. So they sign me up for Tinder and start swiping for soulmates. When who do we stumble upon??? The mighty ex…..hmmm interesting. Your profile says you are ready to date and meet new people. W-O-W is all I can say. I guess you’re ready to keep it moving 2 weeks later.

As the weeks pass, I cry with my friends, get tipsy and drunk dial. (embarrassing I know) I wondered what I did wrong. Why couldn’t he have a relationship with me? Was I so bad? I know we all have these moments of self doubt. As cliche as this sounds, I started to worry less about him and focus more on myself. Getting involved more in my workouts, expanding my social circle and meeting new people. I loved it! Then one day he texts me. By then I was less angry about it all and had begun to accept what wasn’t meant to be. So we begin an amicable exchange for a few months. We even tried to make it out to have drinks, but our schedules never coincided.

I continued to live my life and attend events that he and I discussed doing together when we were dating. He was still connected to me through social media, so he had a front row seat to watching me move on with my life without him. One day last week I noticed he had stopped following me on all channels of social media. I thought I was over everything, but when I saw that, it stung. He no longer wanted to be connected to me in any way. That was it. All kinds of questions ran through my mind. Was he doing it because he moved on? Did he find a girlfriend? Why? Did he hate me?
After analyzing it all, I realized it was more of my ego that hurt, not my heart. Deep inside I knew that this really wasn’t for me and that we weren’t meant to go on any further that what we did. However, I could not deny, that he opened up my heart again during a time when I thought I wasn’t able to love. He allowed me to feel things I hadn’t in years. That was his purpose in my life. So I wish him the best and hope that he can find his happiness one day, just as he was mine for a short time.

Lessons Learned:

Always know when to walk away.
Understand who you are and what you deserve.
Don’t let your loneliness keep you where you don’t need to be.

The Beard – it isn’t just for men

Posted on August 13, 2015 by Pretty Penny

Beard – a man or woman used as a cover for a gay partner

Damn you match.com….I fell for your trickery again! My potential match, we’ll call him Beard, and I took part in some witty banter one lovely Tuesday afternoon, after exchanging numbers. Taking our ‘relationship’ out of the site! Ooohhhh yea always a plus!

Throughout our text exchange he mentions calling me when he was on his way home.

B: Hey, would you mind if I called you when I’m on my way home? Grocery shopping and want to finish up here quickly.

Me: Ok, sounds good. Talk to you soon!

B: Looking forward to it!

So here I am making dinner and ring, ring goes my cell phone. I looked at it and it’s Beard! Ok, clear your throat, sass your hair, get ready for the most amazing phone conversation of your life girl!

Me: Hello – (in my sexiest and upbeat voice)

B: Hi there!

Now, this is where audio would help….because it’s the only way I can truly get my point across. But I couldn’t help but think, “Ummmm this guy’s voice is very feminine”.

is literally what i mouth on the other end of the phone

Again, here I go trying to keep my mind open. I mean the guy was going through a divorce, so that was a good indicator that he wasn’t playing for the other team right? RRRRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTT.

Conversation flows and I learn more about what he’s currently going through. Packing up the house and making repairs to put it on the market. I hear a brief overview of the divorce and it seems like he’s looking for a friend, a companion of sorts to get through this tough time and help him rebuild his broken state. I could relate, as I had been longing for someone in my life too. By then I had been single for about 2 years, without a prospect and feeling very lonely.

We agree to meet in person and hang out at a local bar in Midtown. He orders me a drink and has it ready when I get to the bar. Nice touch! I walk up to the corner of the bar and can smell his amazing cologne from a few feet away. Let me just say, I’m a huge fan of men wearing cologne. Drives me nuts! Not sure why, but it just does it for me. So he had me under a spell with that aroma!

After drinks and convo, we head over to a neat little tapas place where we continue the night. Who wouldn’t with the great conversation and under the witchery of such pleasant aromas?! Can you blame a girl? LOL – in the middle of his conversation, I lose focus and my mind wanders off. I was in a trance and he must have noticed, because he abruptly stops his story and reaches for my hand, tilts his head and looks at me with such tenderness, and says, “are you ok, am I boring you?” (I have to mention, that he has the softest hands I have ever come across. Kinda jealous. What do you moisturize with? Angel butter?!)

I snap out of it and reply, “No not at all, it’s just your cologne has me captivated. Smells amazing!” He then rattles off the name of it, one of which I’ve never heard of, and says, “It’s only available in France, Neiman Marcus doesn’t even carry it.”…..hmmmm really now?!

My reaction:

The night is ending and the time came for me to go home. We part ways in front of the restaurant and give a hug good bye. yup. a. hug. Dang, can a girl get a kiss on the cheek at least?! Make me feel somewhat desired. Guess not.

So as the days come and go, we text and talk frequently. It’s good to have someone from the opposite sex, who’s not your coworker, friend or family member, to talk to about what’s going on in your life. For me, it felt like stability was coming back into my life and this could maybe develop into something.

A couple months into this arrangement, I was asked to go to antique shopping, about an hour and a half drive outside of Houston. We go and visit shops and he explains the story behind it, the glitz and glamour of it all. And lists off celebrities that have attended the show.

B: So Martha Stewart went to this vendor last year and she showed up in a helicopter.

Me: Oh really? That’s cool.

B: We have to go check it out later. But it’s super expensive, just FYI.

Me: OK

B: Oh and this vendor here, we must check out. Wait, your shoes are going to get muddy. Make sure you don’t get that in my car.

Don’t worry about me or my shoes dude, totally fine, we’ll be OK.

After several hours of pa-rousing the streets of antiques, we make our way to the end of the road, where his parents have a shop set up. Whoa, I’m meeting the parents…big step! They decide to take us to lunch. Very sweet of them! I sit there trying to awkwardly join in on the conversation, but it’s obvious I am an outsider. Nonetheless, they do their best to keep me involved and we had a pleasant lunch.

The rest of the afternoon is spent hunting for more antiques. Kept thinking to myself, “how much longer can I keep looking at this old shit?!” Well when you reach your limit and feel sick of it, add about a few more hours to it because that’s how much longer I had to look through junk I could turn to treasure. Antiquing is serious business. Now I will say, that I am now a big fan of antiquing. I like to call it Garage Sale Glamour. Hell of a lot cheaper than going to an antique store. You’re welcome people.

Back to the story.

The brisk October night was upon us and I thought it was time to head home. WRONG….off to a family dinner we go! By now, I’ve spent more time with this man and his parents than I have with any other boyfriend’s family. OK I’m exaggerating, but I was dreading the awkward small talk we had to make at the table.

B: We found a great deal on some Turkish Down pillows. They were amazing!

Parents: Oh really? How much?

B: About $200 each. Totally worth it.

Me: (nodding head in agreement while I stuff my face with salad to avoid conversation)

Parents: Should have negotiated a better price.

That’s how the dinner went…droning on about the gossip of the day and how sales went. But that was the extent of my participation, nodding my head and stuffing my face, nodding my head and then drinking my beer, then stuffing my face again. I’m sure they thought, ‘this girl didn’t eat until she met us. Let’s get another bread basket for her. Pobrecita.’

I was ready to get home as it was a long day and I was exhausted! I thanked his parents for a lovely dinner and for allowing me to join them. Then we were on our way to H Town!
F-R-E-E-D-O-M!

The hum of the engine and sound of the road, were putting me to sleep. I stared out of the window and the stars were shining so bright against such a clear night sky. You could only see the glow from the moon, hugging the night sky. As I’m admiring the beauty of this fall evening, I hear a sniffle. I look over, stunned to see that Beard is crying! OMG, what happened?! Is this a touching moment where he feels like this is all so magical for us?! Ehhhh not exactly. The influx of activities today had just brought on memories from the past and that triggered a strong emotional reaction. Really, what am I doing here?! I mean, what good am I to someone who is obviously going through something I wasn’t ready to be a part of? Maybe it was time for me to just end it.

The holidays are among us! Can you smell the pumpkin pie, turkey and tamales?! NO! Because my fat ass ate it all! Yea, I love holidays, I put on my stretchy pants and just devour all the deliciousness available!

I digress….OK, so I should preface this by saying that I have spent the last 32 years, with the exception of three, ringing in the new year with my family. At first it was because my very strict Mexican parents wouldn’t let me go out, but then it just became second nature and I loved being home. Not dealing with drunk drivers, or girls puking in the restroom, or even the long process of getting ready. Ladies, you know what I mean! The dress, shoes, makeup, hair, nails, accessories and undergarments. Geez, guys have it easy! Anyway, Beard asked me to join he and his friends for dinner and drinks on NYE. I thought this would be cool, ok why not? So the day arrives and off we go up 45N an hour outside of the city. We arrive at a nice steak house and are seated at a table set for 20 people. People begin arriving and each time, he would lean over and give me the scoop on each one:

Beard: Oh look, Mark, he’s cheating on his wife. And that’s his wife…she used to be so over weight. (rolls his eyes)

Me: nodding head. (that’s becoming the norm now, like a freaking bobble head)

Beard: That’s BIlly, Mary’s husband, he is such a drunk. I mean, just watch how the night plays out.

Me: Bobble Head Penny nods….

Dinner leads into dancing and drinks and we all go to dance away the delicious meal we just had. Then the countdown begins. 10….9….8…7, wait, am I going to have my first ever NYE’s kiss?! 6….5….4…chug some more of my drink….3…2….1….HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Then when I turn, there is Beard, who closed his eyes and puckered up. We kiss, and is was the most awkward kiss of my life!! UUUggghhhh what the hell?! That’s what I’ve waited on for the last several months for?! (yes, this was our first kiss) Very lackluster and uneventful. I was a little eager to have this night end, but then the gang decided to take the party elsewhere. Alrighty then, so I just kept drinking thinking the night would get better. (Come on, you’ve done that before right?!) The rest of the evening was kind of like the Hangover. You know, being a rock star party animal, tearing shit up and then passing out in your room; only to have to spend the following day piecing together your memories and dignity. No?! That’s not what happens to you? Oh well, lucky you then.

So the next day as I’m cleaning up and packing my clothes ready to go home. A friend of Beard’s asks,

Friend: So…how was IT last night?!

Me: Ummm nothing happened.

Friend: Wait, you guys didn’t…you know?!

Me: Nope, something about being too drunk.

Friend: Oh, ok.

The look on her face made something inside my hungover self, realize that I was in the wrong league. I needed to move on and get out. Funny how a morning of regret gives you clarity like you’ve never had before?

The next few months, communication becomes scarce and close to non-existent. Pretty much just the awkward small talk and me asking when he was going to come and pick up the stuff in my garage. Yes, I allowed him to store a few things there, stupid I know. Excuse after excuse came and I was getting sick of it. The opportunity to get it out of my garage, came as I was changing jobs and cell phone numbers,. I called our hot shot delivery service and had them come over for a pickup. They came by and picked up about 17 boxes and headed out for a one way delivery…..to his parents house. Once they arrive, I get a call from the driver:

Driver: Ma’am, there’s no one home, what should I do?

Me: Leave it there please.

Driver: Leave it here on the porch?!

Me: Yes or take it to Goodwill, frankly I don’t care what happens to it. You’re not coming back here with that.

And that was that. I wiped my hands clean. Now I do have to say, that I did run into Beard a couple more times about a year after that and we both acted like neither of us existed. Probably for the best, as he was out with another woman. Sigh…the cycle continues.

Lessons Learned:

Don’t hang on to something longer than you need to, just because you’re lonely.
Listen to your friends when they try and warn you about the guy you’re dating.
If it talks like a duck, acts like a duck….fuck it, it’s a duck.

Serendipitous

Posted on August 8, 2015 by roxy foxy

So I meet a really nice guy a while ago. For security reasons I’ll refer to him as Jay. I meet him on eharmony. I joined eharmony, because my friend talked me into getting a subscription and said we would meet serious guys for serious relationships.. So we had a girls wine night to fill out the long questionnaire. .OMG like seriously, it’s soo freaking long. It’s like 2 hours and two bottles of wine to fill it out, and I swear half way I wanted to stop, but thank God my friend was there for moral support (she was doing her subscription too). Ok, finally after countless drinks and hours we finished our profiles and “voila” it was done.
So EHARMONY is this online dating site that hooks up most couples, most marriages, blah blah blah it just takes lots of work. But I said ehh what the hell… people on here are probably really serious in getting into a really serious relationships. So this is where I meet Jay. Jay was smart, he was handsome, he was an Engineer, seemed to come from a good family. I was like yes! Finally! My friend was right.
So Jay and I first meet up to drink some coffee and everything went well. We hit it off. He told me I actually looked like my pictures so that was a plus. We were both super excited this could lead into something. The second date I think we went out for drinks, and by the third date he said he must really like me since he never made it to the third date with anyone. I was ecstatic.
Dates went by, and we would make out, hold hands. I remember it was like a fairy tale, one day we were walking in the park and I dared him to go into the water fountain. And bam there we were together splashing around the water like you know the opening of Friends. It was a serendipitous moment. I had been seeing Jay for over two months now and it was great. Until one day, we had plans to go out. I texted him to see what time he would pick me up and nothing.. I was like oh man I hope he was ok. I texted him the next day just to make sure he was okay.. maybe he was in a car wreck or something.. and guess what… nothing.. I was like what the hell Jay. I was so worried. I asked my friends for advice and they told me to call him maybe he was sick. I tried calling him and nothing.. ,they said send him a message on facebook. I told them wait I didn’t even have him on facebook.. so I logged back into my eharmony account and BAM … that asshole was online… WTF!! He stopped fucking texting me!! What the hell Jay! Such a douche.. he didn’t even bother to say sorry it’s not you it’s me … um I think we should see other people.. it was just like BYE FELCIA!! And it wasn’t like we didn’t have plans

So yea.. that was my first online dating experience… and moral of this story is if you think things are going perfect… wait there is no moral to the story.. . he was just a douche!

Things I wish I knew back then
1) You need to keep your options open
2) Establsih what you want first hand
3) Make sure you tell each other that you don’t just want to be blown off if you aren’t feeling it
And lastly who am I kidding.. I probably won’t ever follow these rules but it’s super good advice.. What a douche!

Cat-Fished….and I didn’t need a fishing pole!

Posted on August 7, 2015 by Pretty Penny

Cat-fished: To be deceived or lead on by someone on any social network, or dating site who is claiming to be someone they are not.

OK, so several years ago, my friends set up a match.com profile for me. I mean literally, like they wrote up the about me, what I like and what I’m looking for sections and everything. Having just come out of a long term relationship, I was hesitant to get back out there. I mean, can I just live under a rock and never have to be vulnerable…EVER?! Nope, my friends pushed me off the diving board and off I went to sink or swim in the pool of online dating. (You should know, I don’t know how to swim. No really, weird I know!)

Once my profile was published, I was so flattered to get all this attention from guys I probably wouldn’t come across in real life. And sad to say, but I was starving for some male attention! I opened my first message from, Cat-Fish (to protect his dignity…if he has any left) His pictures were so cute! He had a beard, chiseled face and this look of serious sophistication. I thought, “wow, this guy is super cute!” After some messaging back and forth, we decide to meet in the real world.

I was randomly heading to the NW side of town and he happened to be in the area. So we decided to meet up at a Chevron….seriously, I probably should have seen this as a red flag. Nervous as hell as I pull up to parking lot. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “at least the lot is lit well enough so the police can find my bloody body mangled on the floor.”

We both get out of our cars and give each other the once over stare….trying to decipher if we match our pictures. I quickly notice that he does not match his pictures. I mean he did at one point….maybe like 10 years ago. The guy in front of me had the biggest beer gut I’ve ever seen and his button down shirt seriously needed some ironing and not to mention the smeared make up that was on the bottom of it. Hmm….did someone just motor boat your crotch dude?! Gross. Red flag #2.

Anyway, I wanted to be fair and not just ride off the guy right away. I couldn’t be a hypocrite, as I wasn’t all that happy with my appearance either. He was just trying to put his best foot forward, like the rest of us.

So we make plans to see a movie the next day. We meet at the theater and head in. Thinking back, I wish I could remember what the movie was about….odds are it may have been one of the 7 Fast and Furious movies or maybe a comedy? Back to the topic at hand.

After the movie, I suggest we grab a drink. Since we really didn’t get an opportunity to really get to know each other, I thought it would good if we could chat one on one and see if this was worth pursuing. I really wanted to keep an open mind and see what he was all about.

He asked if I didn’t mind going to a friend’s BBQ…..I reluctantly agreed. I follow Cat-Fish to the parking garage in his complex, which happened to be very close to the theater and we get in one vehicle. Off we go…..riding along Houston’s busy highway, discussing child hoods, what we do for a living and the such. I then start to get nervous that we’re heading outside of Houston….like WAAAAY outside of the city. My mind races and goes back to all those Law & Order episodes I’ve binge watched. “Is this how my life is going to end?! Why are we going so far? Will he dump my body parts along 290? Crap, my mother would be so devastated. Curse my friends for signing me up for this site! Would they recover enough of my body to have an open casket funeral? WTF!!” Quick!….WWOD….What Would Olivia Benson do?! I get on my phone and text my friends…..

ME: on 290 w/Match guy. not sure where we are headed, but wanted someone to know where I was. in a silver camry

Friends: what?! do you need us? keep us posted on where you go! landmarks!

ME: ok just exited freeway. wtf we are headed down a dirt road! this is it guys! love you! please tell my family i love them too!

Friends: omg!!

ME: nevermind, we just got to his friend’s house. all good. whew.

We head in and I meet a slew of people. OK, this guy seems pretty normal….friends are funny, we’re all vibin’. As the night progresses, I start to picture our future life together. Coming over on the weekends, taking trips with them, having our kids play together. SMH….snap back to reality girl!

We say our goodbyes to everyone and as he opens the car door for me, he leans in for a kiss. (Smooth move dude) We ride the long ride to get my car and we hold hands on the way back. I thought to myself, “hey this feels nice”. Arrived to his complex and we go in for a night cap. After rounding a couple of bases, I decide to head home. Hey come on, it was late!

As I strut myself to my car, feeling pretty good that I was back in the saddle of the dating donkey…he calls out behind me, loud enough for anyone within ear shot to hear….”Hey baby, why don’t you shave your legs for the next time?” Really dude….really?! You are going to give me sh*t about my appearance? Why don’t you wash your shirt after your sexcapades, you dirty slob?!? Or rather clean your freaking bathroom! Those skid marks on the toilet are not attractive! UuuGGGHHH!

And just like that…..the roller coaster of our “relationship” came to an end. In about 48 hours, I had seen a glimpse into my future of online dating. The initial message exchange, the meeting, the small talk, the boozing date vs coffee date, then the first awkward kiss, and quick fizzling of the fire that attracted us to begin with.

Lessons learned from this date:

Open your eyes and pay attention to the clues
Don’t get in the car with strangers. (big props to mom for that!)
If you’re being cat-fished…run.

The look of disappointment when your date totally cat-fished you. Not cool bro.